urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily enjoy cali_lily 2006-06-26T07:36:49Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:14537 2006-06-26T07:36:49Z 2006-06-26T07:36:49Z Ok so no one is posting anymore so I decided to say........<br /><br />where the hell is everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />dead??<br /><br /><br />let me know..... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:14087 2006-05-05T05:52:29Z 2006-05-05T05:52:29Z sometimes i wonder why me<br />i know that sounds awful and i mean yes things happen to others as well and things that are way worse, but i still can't help but wonder why me.<br />does God just enjoy testing people, because i think i've had my share of tests. i'm tired of having bad thing after bad thing happen. <br />things that are way worse have happened and i've lived through them so i know i'll make it through this but what will i lose. my dad. friends i have no idea. i've never been selfish when it comes to things most often its other peoples needs before my own. and i now have to learn how to be selfish.<br />how do i ask for help. how am i even still here.<br />i need something good, uplifting. something good that lasts longer than an hour because the bad shit lasts alot longer. <br />i need to be healthy to get rid of my stress. i need to stop being taken advantage of. and i know these things are in my power but i feel like i'm too weak. like its just me so theres no point. but if i go on too much longer i will have a nervous breakdown. i'm falling apart. and theres no one here to witness it. <br />i need to be held, in someones strong arms that will cover me, i need to let go and be able to just cry to release everything and i can't do it alone. i'm too scared. everyone thinks i'm so strong but i feel so weak. how did i let my life get to this point. where falling down the stairs and spraining my ankle doesn't even stop me. i'm still working. how did i let it get to this point where i feel like i can't even breath. i just need it to end. god please make it stop. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:13970 2006-04-28T08:44:53Z 2006-04-28T08:44:53Z why does everything go wrong at once. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:13732 2006-04-21T08:27:28Z 2006-04-21T08:27:28Z i try to keep going. but life just keeps handing me shit. piled and piled weighing me down. no wonder i'm sick, my stress level is rising. i can't deal with this anymore. my heat can't get cut off, i can't keep him on track i'm only a child according to him. he can't afford a plumber, apparently he can't afford heat. its all just too much, everyone wants too much, want me to be soo responsible, well when do i get to get taken care of. i've been taking care of things since i was 11, i'm done. i don't want to do it anymore. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:13322 2006-03-15T18:41:24Z 2006-03-15T18:41:24Z i stumble out of my sleepy haze to find my phone blinking like a madman, i had a message.<br />it was a good morning message from a good friend i hadn't heard from in awhile. my smile grew.<br />then shooting pain filled my belly. reminder of where i am, waiting until the pain stops, it never really stops. <br /><br />i have a request. if you believe in god please pray for me. the shooting pain comes from my liver and they don't know whats wrong. i'm scared.<br />plain and simple but i'm able to say it<br />i'm scared.<br /><br />please pray for me.<br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:13072 2006-02-13T08:00:54Z 2006-02-13T08:00:54Z i was changing wallets tonight which sounds trivial enough..and i ran across something i wrote on a trip last summer..<br />it was just after my birthday and i had gotten asked out by the most fabulous guy i had been longing after for who knows..i was in ontario and he was off on a company trip (which i was supposed to attend this year) and i have this odd thing with writing letters to people, whether or not i send them i write them, i started doing that after my mom passed away. <br />i found this letter i had written to him that he never found out about and maybe if he reads this entry he will finally know. <br />i wrote how lucky i was, out of all the girls that were trying to get his attention the entire summer, and i never tried i mean girls were cooking for him and hell i got him to get me drinks and such...we would make things together i never waited on him...but he chose me. i don't know why and i don't know if i ever will but he did. and in this letter i wrote that i'm glad i stood out of the crowd for him and i hoped i always did. that night we had been out and there was this wind rushing around and i could feel him there...now we had only been going out about 15 days but i could feel him around me and i knew he was there. i had talked to him earlier and i found out he was picking me up when he was done work, i kept dreaming that he would greet me with open arms, kiss me and tell me he missed me... i always wanted to know if he missed me. well when i saw him that dream came true. i was kissed and i was missed, everything was what i had hoped. our relationship was amazing, i have never found anyone who i fit with so well. i swear we're the female and male version of eachother for the most part. the best time i ever had with him was hanging out, watching tv, eating dinner, and i have to say my favourite moments were cooking together...i remember shopping for the food beforehand then going to cook it..i was so happy. and i hope he was too. it was what i hoped for. i mean we disagreed and got frustrated sometimes i wanted to smack him but i never stopped loving him. then one day i realized i was falling in love with kid. i have no idea what it is, no one can make me laugh quite like him...he's the only one that can push me for my goals without pissing me off totally...we were best friends, lovers and for me it was all i could have asked for at the time. then i don't know what happened.<br />i always knew that part of loving was a choice and you could fall out of love with someone, 'but you were my ticket out of here and i was your dream come true, you gave me everything i ever wanted except for you.' <br />one day he fell out of love with me, i wished more than anything for it to come back, i wanted him to look at me and remember why he asked me out by the bonfire at my birthday...i don't know what happened to our relationship, but that time has been the best in my life, no matter what happened he was there. those panic attack nights where i would stop breathing to saturday morning bacon and egg breakfast and watching avatar. i wouldn't give up those memories for anything and now that we're friends, because we always have been and always will be i look back fondly on those memories. they were amazing. <br />i can say with confidence i've had my first love, and he will always have part of my heart, those curly brown locks and eyes that could see right through me. and i hope i will always have a part of his heart. and until that love of this man i was with subsides into a love of a friend it will be hard and it will hurt sometimes that he doesn't love me back, but its what it is. <br />a bunch of fabulous memories. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:12844 2006-02-13T03:05:30Z 2006-02-13T03:05:30Z i feel like a fucking chore. is that how it goes now. you say you want to be my friend, you say you still fucking care but i feel second rate. like i'm a last thought. you can't seem to make time for me anymore, i'm always for tomorrow. <br /><br />i don't want to be a chore, i don't want you to hang out with me because you feel obigated to, because you hurt me. hang out because you want to, because you enjoy my company and you fucking miss the laughter! <br />you say we had good times that we had fun....<br />words are enough start showing me that you still care start showing me you want to be my friend and call me or text me, don't leave me until TOMORROW<br /><br />to be fucking continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:12586 2006-02-09T22:03:25Z 2006-02-09T22:03:25Z life is not what i thought it'd be. i never thought so young i'd be living alone. i didn't think i'd have a broken heart.i didn't think i'd be depressed.<br />but then again life is unpredictable<br /><br />i feel like i'm stumbling around in the dark. with my eyes closed, arms stretched out in front feeling for my way.<br /><br />i love you like i did before, that will take awhile to subside..and even then i will love you.a piece of my heart will always belong to you, my first true love. <br /><br />i know you don't want me back, as i found out from our chat. i can't help but hope. i will not wait, stand by for your ok. my life continues whether i want it to or not, but i bring along hope. <br /><br />maybe now being in seperate houses you'll miss me more. realize what i was in your life. maybe love will fill your heart. <br /><br />for now i am your friend, and i'm more than happy to be that. i couldn't lose you completely, you know me too well, you're a part of my life. <br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:12369 2006-01-28T05:50:23Z 2006-01-28T05:50:23Z when your world come crashing down around you what do you do?<br />i've been rejected. he's said he's had enough.<br />does he know how he hurt me, does he know what he's done.<br /><br />and i wonder does he miss, does he feel regret, does he wish he could take it back and just talk about our problems.<br />does he know i thought everything was ok, does he know he could have talked to me. i would have never said no, or turned him away. we could have slowed down, he could have his space. why not a break, why a breakup.<br /><br />i know i should move on, but give me a small break, its only been two days.<br />he will think i'm doing better, he will think that i'm slowly moving on, inside i'll be dying.<br /><br />when your world come crashing down around you, what do you do?<br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:12108 2006-01-19T10:05:18Z 2006-01-19T10:05:18Z i went to bryan adams tonight.<br />and let me say....<br /><br />I WANTED TO GRAB HIS ASS<br /><br />anyways...<br />the music was amazing, next time i go i'm definitely getting better seats. therefore splurging a bit more on the price.<br />i went with my sexy plumber, and i would have rather gone with no one else. it was everything i'd hoped and more. his voice filled up my body and inspired me to do great things with my dancing. i want to preform on stage.<br />plus i got off of work for it!<br /><br />i think i'm in love...hmm....<br /><br />to always be continued...;) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:11849 2006-01-17T07:45:01Z 2006-01-17T07:45:01Z in her memory i live<br />its because of her i'm here<br />i am in your image<br />so i am told<br />i see it too<br />i watch you on video<br />your voice how it sings, calms every part of me<br />you're an angel its true<br />i love you<br /><br />today is the day you were taken away<br />i will never get you back<br />i can only hope that the lifetime i live without you is a second that you live without me<br /><br />this will always be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:11699 2006-01-10T20:42:12Z 2006-01-10T20:42:12Z when you left me i cried<br />for seven years on that earth shattering day i cry for you. <br />i don't know how these years have passed, i never thought i'd make it.<br />you were everything, my best friend, my teacher, my rock, my mother.<br /><br />on january 16th i will cry for you.<br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:11439 2006-01-07T08:57:37Z 2006-01-07T08:59:26Z as i looked out my window i saw the sun shine in my eyes. yet something glistened in the rays. rain, rain came falling down. how amazing the contrast, how beautiful it looked. i realized i'm waiting. for what i'm not sure. for you to notice how much i need you and your touch. it's the reason i'm cranky, the reason i get mad. i feel so close to you, but i can't quite reach. our kisses are brief and done without care, a routine they've become. when i see you, when we say goodbye, when we go to sleep and when we rise. but its the passion i miss. when you'd grab me and i'd have no choice. remember how our lips would ache after? we could hardly be apart and no matter the pain you'd keep coming at me with your lips. are you attracted to me, no matter what you say, its your actions i need. as i look upon your slumbering face, i see the man i love. the one i long for, whether we're in the same room, or far apart. i always long for you. don't ever be jealous, don't ever feel threatened, no matter what another man says i'm always with you. you are the one i waited for. i love you.<br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:11217 2005-12-29T04:27:27Z 2005-12-29T04:27:27Z merry christmas everybody. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:10881 2005-12-16T18:45:34Z 2005-12-16T18:45:34Z a passing kiss in the car as i hop out.<br />or a quick hello as he leaves in the morning. <br /><br />it seems as though we've seen eachother less and less, but you sleep just down the hall.<br />when i come in from work, i kiss you to wake you, but only for a moment until you fall into slumber again.<br />i long for the days of mushy handholding and kissing everywhere. we were once hardly able to not be touching. <br />now we don't even walk close. <br />its not that we aren't in love, or close to it. life has somehow gotten into it and stolen all of our time.<br />this holiday season we celebrate four months, christmas and the joy of eachother. <br />lets become mushy for a day, remember those first weeks together.<br />lets go away, make our own pace, and walk hand in hand.<br /><br />i want to see you again, to spend time without deadline.<br />to sit and fall asleep in your arms, lets do that again. <br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:10593 2005-11-23T08:08:26Z 2005-11-23T08:08:26Z i'm falling in love.<br /><br />daily he takes me breath away, still makes me weak at the knees.<br />i want to know him better than i know myself.<br />i enjoy sharing my daily life with him, seeing the difference he makes.<br />he's been told he's better with me, i believe i'm better with him.<br />amazing how two lives compliment eachother.<br /><br />i can't see my life without him, a picture i'd rather deny.<br />he belongs in my life, our life.<br />we have "our" friends, "our" groups and "our" tv shows.<br />there's a familiarity there.<br />we've recently realized that "honeymoon" stage is coming to a close,<br />but i'm excited about this new stage we're moving into.<br />one of comfort, where we can read eachother.<br /><br />i'm excited of our life and whats to become of it.<br />there really is not better feeling.<br /><br />to be continued...<br /><br />i'm falling in love. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:10282 2005-11-15T21:34:19Z 2005-11-15T21:34:19Z i believe christmas is the only thing i enjoy about winter.<br />i enjoy bundling up, and fires to keep us warm,<br />but<br />i hate getting sick.<br />and it seems every winter i catch whatever comes around.<br />i become great friends with my doctor again.<br />but then theres always christmas.<br />i love the bustle of the holidays, i'm excited to start shopping for people.<br />i enjoy giving gifts.<br />what can i say i enjoy holidays.<br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:10187 2005-10-26T06:17:23Z 2005-10-26T06:17:23Z i'm not a fan of winter time, but i do enjoy the fall.<br />i love when the leaves fall and they become crunchy.<br />that sound is so satisfying!<br /><br />other than that i feel like my head is going to spin off and outta control.<br />all i want right now is health, i've been sick for weeks and honestly i'm quite tired of it.<br />it's making it hard to work, to do school, and function.<br />i can't stand not being able to be there for people.<br /><br />a storm brews outside tonight<br />outside i hear the wind and rain<br />pounding against my window<br />as the light flickers inside <br />i wonder if it will go dark<br />a storm brews inside<br />deep within me<br />its as though the weather became what i feel<br />in the morning we'll see<br />if these storms have gone away<br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:9979 2005-10-20T07:23:58Z 2005-10-20T07:23:58Z moments matter.<br />within a moment all is different.<br />news that potentially changes the track you were on.<br />an opportunity that leaves you stunned.<br />its in this moment you decide to fall under pressure<br />or push the wall aside.<br />challenges build your backbone.<br />in facing this challenge i'm so unsure.<br />not knowing whether i will be strong enough<br />can i make it through the storm?<br />at times i may be weak, give in to my tears<br />relieve that pressure that builds behind my eyes<br />but those tears will only fall behind closed doors.<br />to the world i will be strong and unyielding<br />at force to be reckoned with<br />but those who know me, those who read my eyes will know<br />they weep.<br /><br />but in the end its the moments.<br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:9529 2005-09-04T01:30:47Z 2005-09-04T01:30:47Z well...i guess an update could be alright.<br /><br />i was away in niagra falls visiting a friend who i swear is more of a sister than anything. i almost didn't want to come home...but i did. i missed everyone back here so much. and i missed my boy.<br /><br />take me away<br />take me away<br />i've got nothing left to say<br />take me away<br /><br />So lately, I've been wonderin<br />Who will be there to take my place<br />When I'm gone, you'll need love<br />To light the shadows on your face<br />If a great wave should fall<br />It would fall upon us all<br />And between the sand and stone<br />Could you make it on your own<br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:9414 2005-08-17T06:52:59Z 2005-08-17T06:52:59Z ahh....<br />birthday is done and i'm 18 now. finally recognized by the government as an adult. <br />yah know on your birthday people always ask you if you feel any older. well this one i do.<br />i don't know what it is but i do. <br /><br />this year was a great celebration. people came from far to celebrate with me. i was truly touched. <br /><br />this year i was given many great things. a bit more of a belonging feeling with my family. and truly great gift from a wonderful guy.<br /><br />this year was definitely the best birthday i've had in a long time.<br /><br />and mom i know you were there celebrating as well!<br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:9007 2005-08-06T07:27:58Z 2005-08-06T07:27:58Z tonight it all feels right. <br />i went shopping with some of my best girls..thanks for putting up with the long trecks through the mall..<br />and then it was all about the foo fighters<br />i've been wanting to see a concert, theres something about live music that just gives me such a rush and i got to get that out of my system tonight. it was an amazing show..my ears are still ringing in fact!<br /><br />tonight i feel untouchable...like i want to run in the streets and scream(expect i don't have much of a voice anymore)<br /><br />i know things aren't right with my life but for tonight i feel happy, i haven't felt this good in awhile, tonight i let go and just sang and let myself go to the music.<br /><br />tonight the foos were my release<br /><br />ps. i got to touch dave grohl!!!! <br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:8848 2005-07-30T07:16:52Z 2005-07-30T07:16:52Z all the words i've never said<br />keep racing through my head<br />pushing for a way out<br /><br />i know i said i wanted to talk<br />but not we're here and the words won't come out<br />you stall my mind<br />maybe next time i'll write my words down<br /><br />everything i always want to say<br />build up in my mind<br />one day when i'm ready they will escape<br />for now i'm too afraid to lose you<br />i don't want to have to miss you as my friend<br />i already miss you as my lover<br /><br />all the words i've never said<br />keep racing through my head. <br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:8678 2005-07-24T16:15:26Z 2005-07-24T16:15:26Z He takes a step towards a better life. To take that step was a challenge, but it's been done, now he just has to keep stepping. Not too long ago things were at a crawl and he was struggling to follow his hand with a knee as he crawled, but they had told him baby steps. He's been able to take his time, gather his life. He was a broken man when he was found. Emotionally shredded by a woman who haunts his dreams. At least it was only his dreams now, she used to shadow him. This gave him hope that one day she would abandon him completely. There was a time when he never wanted to her leave, now he is waiting for her departure. But it was those baby steps, his stumbling that got him here. As he gathered his life he faced being without her and he was still standing, another glimmer of hope. An emtional wreck he was, but he wouldn't be broken just by her, there had to be something more. As they carried him intio the facility he mumbled incoherently. They tried picking out words, but that hope was lost. They'd talk ot him once he was awake from a long, fitful sleep. When he was awake and had a stomach full of food they sat down for a session. He explained his history and recalled devestating events of his life. He told them his past, told of the woman, the lies and the abuse of a parent. His life had been shattered but they were determined to repair it. So here came the baby steps and a large amount of time.<br /><br />to be continued... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cali_lily:8349 2005-07-18T09:02:04Z 2005-07-18T09:02:04Z at this moment my head aches and my emotions run.<br /><br />i thought i saw in you what i wanted, i thought you saw in me what you wanted.<br />you led me to believe i was. i can't seem to cut you away from me. <br />why do i fall for the boys who hurt me, why do i let them. <br />when will i become smart enough to see what is true and what isn't. <br />its time for my guard to rise and for me to protect my emotions.<br />no longer will you hurt me, no longer will i be a victim.<br />i'm tired of crying, its the same tears that fall.<br />i am a women, not one to be led one or taken advantage of.<br />i am a women whos mother taught her well. <br />no longer will i fall so easily, no longer will i trust so willingly.<br />to get to my heart and to gain my trust will take time.<br />you must prove yourself to me, that it isn't a game, i am no prize.<br />i am a women who you must respect.<br /><br />to be continued...<br /><br />sorry for the dates i will fix it eventually